• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Listening to this album has put me in the most challenging position I can imagine for a self-proclaimed critic: the challenge of describing an album that left you at a loss for words. There's nothing really stopping me from leaving it at that, as this is an album from a one-man band from Australia you never heard of that's no longer around, with barely any information online to let you know he existed. Fuck, not even Metal-Archives has anything on this project besides an offhand mention in an unrelated review, so this is probably me unearthing something best left forgotten. Unfortunately for you, I believe that suffering is a group activity, so because I chose to endure it, we're going to sit together as we point and laugh at Triumph of the Will, which I am going to go ahead and call the very worst album The Metal Crypt will ever have the misfortune of covering.

The guy behind all this seems to think his efforts count as Black Metal, and I guess if you consider horrid shrieking and tremolo flailing the only important aspects, it kind of is, but that doesn't even begin to describe the fucking atrocity that Vorak commits on this release. Instead of struggling to tell you what genre this is supposed to be, however, I'm just going to describe the opening track, "Blitzkrieg - Fighting Under the Rune of Triumph", in as much detail as I can bear. It starts off by playing a shitty recording of "The Rise of the Valkyries" while some annoying off-time drumming pokes in from time to time, which inevitably gets abruptly cut off as an incomprehensible cacophony of sound begins, which jams in jangly riffs, hideous keys and orchestral noises that are meant to be classical but sound closer to a cat running across a synthesizer, awful 8-bit blipping, and vocals I can only describe as the entirety of Alvin and the Chipmunks being shoved into a wood chipper that's in the process of being bitcrushed. I have just described everything that this album has to offer, and I promise you it's likely worse than you imagined it to be. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it, of course, as these elements are haphazardly slapped together to make a disjointed mess of noise that never differentiates itself between tracks, which, on the one hand, means the horrid 12-minute trilogy is no worse than the 2-minute blast after the intro track, but, on the other hand, you are putting up with nearly an hour of some of the most inept garbage you'll ever have the displeasure of hearing. The fact the dude is a Nazi and has references to that fact all over the song titles is the rotten cherry on top of this shit pile that gives it a smug air of grandeur, as if this is a profound and important release. However, it's only profound in that it makes Divina Enema sound like a competent band in comparison, and that is not an insult I toss lightly.

This is all a very long way of saying that Triumph of the Will would be laughable if it wasn't so painful, the kind of thing that should have been left in a bedroom in Australia to never see the light of day. It's certainly not something anyone in their right mind should seek to inflict on themselves, but despite all that, I really think you should listen to this. In fact, you have to listen to this shit, because with a title like Triumph of the Will, I am convinced this is not so much an album as it is a trial that will make you a stronger person for having gone through it. It'll inspire you to make music of your own, because it can't get worse than this. It'll give you confidence in yourself, because you'll never be this ridiculous or lacking in self-awareness. Most importantly, it will grant you peace, because you will remember that one day, you are going to die, and everything you have ever done will eventually fade from existence, and maybe when that happens, this smear on the name of the very concept of sound itself will fade with it.

If that all reads like the desperate bargaining of a man who wasted his time with a shitty album no one cares about, that's because it is, so maybe you should just heed my warning that this is the lowest possible point of music and move on as if it doesn't exist. In fact, I'm going to start doing that right now.